The pandemic has put a strain on couples and families in myriad ways. Money, sex, scheduling, time, kids, etc. are all topics that can result in marital stress. The added pressure from the pandemic exacerbates emotions and increases the level of conflict. For some, this time of isolation has initiated rediscovery and increased spousal intimacy and appreciation. For others, conflict and difficulties in communication have brought couples to a breaking point. Financial stress and uncertainty, in particular, are heavy weights to bear. As the ripple effects of the pandemic infiltrate our day-to-day lives and we emerge to find a new normal, it will take deliberate and thoughtful action to find balance and to create a more productive and effective communication pattern with your spouse.
Issues will arise that are outside of our control. However, each partner does have control over how he or she communicates about these issues.
Successful Communication Starts with Self-Regulation
Fight-or-Flight Reactions & Self-Regulation
For many, the new stresses and the new normal of being together for more hours than ever as a couple and a family can expose the places where busy lives have masked problems in communication. We cannot manage our communication style with our spouse when our body is triggered. When we are triggered, our autonomic response is to protect ourselves; and we go to fight-or-flight responses. When emotions are high and uncontrolled, working through conflict is not only difficult, but can also be unproductive and damaging — misunderstandings escalate to blow-ups that can threaten a loving relationship over time.
Regulating emotions can be challenging. We draw on long-established patterns that we learned growing up and modeled by our environment. Couples need to disengage when there is too much heat in their interaction and come together when, as Psychologist Fred Pine said, “the iron is cold.”
Preparing for successful discussions with a partner
Before the couple comes together to work through conflict, it is important for each spouse to practice self-regulation first by utilizing the following tips:
Recognize when you are in fight or flight mode: Notice your level of activation, your heart rate, how your chest is feeling, how racing your thoughts are. Think about your body in terms of colors: Green = good for communication; yellow = caution is advised, and red = stop immediately.
Communicate with your partner that you need a break: John Gottman Who’s Love Lab findings suggest choosing a reasonable amount of time that won’t leave your partner waiting too long for a response.
Find ways to be less activated: For some people, physical movement is key; for others, grounding the body in a restful environment and/or slow breathing with longer exhalations helps.
As the parasympathetic system is more empowered, couples are able to pay attention, listen better, and think clearly. This is the foundation for discussing any difficult or challenging topic. Training the body requires practice and intention. Please contact me directly to learn how to manage somatic experiences as a couple.
